Suicidal thoughts are still a bit of a taboo topic. At least they generally don’t come up during dinner parties unless you are having a deep and meaningful conversation with someone who has been in a similar boat. I thought I might break this taboo topic though and share with you some of my experiences with suicidal thoughts.
I’m not sure if this one counts but during a job at a hectic web development office I used to wish the trains would collide just so I wouldn’t have to go to work. I hated my job in the end, the stress and pressure really got to me. I gained weight, I was depressed, I was supporting my girlfriend at the time and it’s fair to say my life wasn’t really going the way I had planned. I would call my suicidal thoughts here mild compared to my next experience though. Read on, it gets more spooky.
A few weeks before I had a psychotic episode I was extremely depressed. I was living alone, didn’t have much money, I was working long hours on projects that just weren’t paying off. Again I wasn’t in a good place. So in crept thoughts of self harm. If I had have had a gun I might not be here today. But my plan was simpler and didn’t require a revolver. I had the idea to go to K-mart and buy a hose, LOCK myself in my car (note the locked bit), hook the hose up to the exhaust pipe, put it through the window, fill the gaps with blankets and then gas myself. Not a pretty thought and thankfully I’m miles from that head space now.
However something interesting happened whilst I was having these thoughts. Something a rational man such as myself has trouble explaining.
One night whilst I was in the midst of my self loathing I took the rubbish out to the bin. Whilst outside I noticed the light inside my car was on. This only happens when one of the doors is open. So I investigated and found that one of my back doors was malfunctioning and the car WOULDN’T LOCK.
This was probably one of my lowest moments in my life. I couldn’t even lock myself in my car and kill myself. (Depression can be ironic)
I rang my Dad in a bit of a state telling him my door was broken and I didn’t know what to do. Good old dad talked me down a bit though and said we would fix it. But time went passed and I got around without a car that locked, even though I was living in an area notorious for it’s crime rate.
Anyway, over this time my suicidal thoughts thankfully subsided. I had no more desire to take my own life. Next thing the door fixed itself. No mechanic visits. No help from my Dad. No tampering with the door at all. It just worked once more as it should. To this day I have had no problems locking or opening my doors on my car.
Can anyone explain this to me? Was it the universes way of saying you should stick around for a while? Was it a ghost (I was living in my old Grand mothers house)? Was it all just pure coincidence? The few people I have told this story too have sat in awe and each has had a different reaction. But no one has been able to give me a rational answer. Maybe you can?
I broke down and cried when I thought about it all later (major psychosis). I consider myself so lucky to this day. This is my story with suicidal thoughts anyway.
Suicidal thoughts can creep up on anyone. If you are suffering PLEASE talk to your GP and get a psychologist referral. There’s no shame in it, a lot of people have felt the same way and there is help out there.